Miss Manners: I saw my neighbor pee in his yard. Should I say something?

Dear Miss Manners: We live next to a couple in their mid-60s (we are in our early 50s). They have been great neighbors since we moved in seven years ago. The wife is a wedding florist and brings me a fresh bouquet of flowers each month. In exchange, I give her lots of vegetables from my garden and will water her outdoor plants when they go out of town. They have a pool and will also give us permission to swim a few times per year.

One Saturday, when she was away from the house for a wedding, I saw her husband in his swim trunks with his back to me, and he appeared to be peeing in the yard. It was broad daylight! I kept watching to make sure the spurting I saw wasn’t coming from a hose, and sure enough, after he had finished, he turned around and was adjusting the front part of his trunks. No garden hose in sight. He did not see me, so he doesn’t know I witnessed this. Because his wife was away, she doesn’t know about this either. My guess is if she knew, she would read him the riot act.

I really like this couple, but I am also really disgusted. It feels beyond disrespectful, to the point of being a visual assault. I want to tell his wife, but I’m afraid it would upset her, and change the relationship forever.

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I also feel like the egregious nature of his behavior is forcing me into silence — basically that it’s so embarrassing for everyone involved that I’m powerless to say anything. As a woman and a feminist, this makes me really angry that he has put me in this position.

Should I have said something in the moment? If so, what? Or is there some way to address it with them after the fact?

No. You may never want to swim there again, but the chance of your solving that problem is slim, while the chance of your creating multiple problems is enormous.

However unappetizing the act, it was done on private property by the owner, who could reasonably expect to be unobserved. Miss Manners fails to see how this attacks you as a feminist.

Had he committed a crime, you should have reported it to the authorities. Had he been embracing another woman, there might be a difficult question of whether to inform his wife. Even so, you would have to be positive that it wasn’t his favorite cousin whom he was congratulating on her engagement.

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Dear Miss Manners: A gentleman is eating in a crowded diner. Across the way, he sees a young woman alone in a booth. Her pocketbook falls out of her purse onto the floor. She doesn’t notice. He approaches: “Miss, excuse me …” She interrupts and says, “I have a boyfriend! And why do you assume I’m a ‘miss’?!” He apologizes for bothering her and leaves. Should he have done anything differently?

Kept her wallet? Well, no, although leaving it where it fell would be no more than this person deserved. However, Miss Manners feels that there might have been a corrective lesson about the dangers of insult-collecting if the gentleman ignored the attack and stated his purpose in addressing her.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

© 2024 Judith Martin

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